You do know that therapists talk about their clients with other therapists, right? It’s a very particular type of conversation; never specific to an individual, never even really identifying where the client may fall in age or gender or maybe even race. But what we do talk about are the themes. We discuss the “stuff” with each other; the symptoms, the idiosyncrasies, and – on occasion – the resistance. There are some general things that come up in therapy, and we – yes, even we – sometimes need a qualified sounding board.
So back to resistance. I was talking to a colleague about resistance and how it shows up in session. We discussed it in its many forms: clients changing the topic, a frustrated demeanor, a refusal to talk. And when it shows up, it sucks! Honestly, it feels like your client isn’t happy. Who wants to feel that way? Therapists are helpers by profession; when your client seems disconnected, it turns you inward. We start searching for a way to connect. We reach and reach for the open door. We try. And then… if we are good, we wait.
We wait, because as my colleague and I were discussing, the resistance really isn’t ours to manage. By the time your therapist has gotten some years under their belt, they have learned to work really hard to stay focused on your process. How much you get out of therapy is directly correlated to how deep you want to go… with yourself. Resistance points to where the work is. It highlights the tender areas. It is the roadmap inward. But it can also be an obstacle if it is so significant that it obstructs your self-exploration in that area. So we wait for cues from the client that let us know they are ready to challenge their discomfort and resist the resistance.
Resistance points to our sensitive areas, but we know that it also protects them. Your therapist will only know if your resistance is protective or instructional based on how willing you are to sit in it, to push past it. We understand the urge is to sit in the resistance: to acquiesce, shut down, disengage, and avoid the tough stuff. And while your therapist may sense something deeper may be happening, they can’t really know. They can only explore with you what you are willing to discuss, what you bring to session. Your therapist can never challenge you more than you can challenge yourself, so lean into the resistance. Discuss with your therapist how you are feeling about your work. Tell them if you feel like it isn’t “working”. Tell them what you think you need and what you feel like you may be missing. And when that uncomfortable feeling rises up and you want to avoid talking about something or change the subject or not mention what has been bothering you, recognize it for what it is. That is our good friend resistance popping up, trying to run the show. Welcome it as an opportunity to challenge yourself to push through it, and get acquainted with the growth on the other side.
Chrysallis Counseling 