Are You Parenting From a Place of Fear?

I am in an awkward place as a therapist; I count among my clients many young ladies who happen to be in the same age range as my own daughter. I listen to the challenges that these girls have and hours later find myself wondering if my daughter is facing something similar. I listen to all their slang and social media references and I feel like I understand my kid a little more. But it’s when my young clients talk about their relationships with their parents that I find myself listening most intently, blocking out my own thoughts of my daughter and really just trying to be present for them. I have noticed some similar themes and it is beginning to lead to certain questions for parents in my mind.

The themes that I have picked up on is a hyper focus on making every right choice, being completely aware of all the stereotypes that await and never playing into them, and not becoming a statistic. To that end, parents are reading journals, tracking locations, reading texts, creating ghost profiles on social and more to – in their minds – keep their kids safe. All the while, the kid is growing increasingly agitated at the lack of privacy – and trust – they are getting from their parents. It’s a vicious circle and mistrust abounds.

Now, I don’t sit in judgement of any of the things that parents do to keep tabs on their kids. Remember, I said I have a teenager myself. I – like the parents of the kids that I work with – am blazingly aware of the dangers that exist for these kids. I monitor to the best of my ability electronic and social use. I meet parents before hang outs with friends. I worry all the time. And I am not alone. We parents have so much to be afraid of; the internet, social media, video games, YouTube, our own memories of what we did at their age…. need I go on? Just thinking about what we know opens up old wounds for so many of us, and all of us would do anything to help our daughters avoid the same experiences. But what working with these amazing young women has gotten me questioning is what is motivating my parenting style? Am I parenting from a place of love… or fear? And for that matter, what does parenting from love even look like?

I’ve got a pretty good idea about what parenting from a place of fear means. It means exerting as much control over their whereabouts and happenings as possible. It means extending little to no privacy. It means making the “right” choices for them so they don’t suffer any harmful consequences. Parenting from a place of fear is well intended, but for many of our kids, it is also disempowering. It restricts the child’s ability to develop their own good judgement, learn from their mistakes, and build resilience. And again, for many, it can lead to rebellion or the opposite extreme, dependence. Parenting from love, on the other hand, empowers. It encourages our kids to believe that we believe in what they are capable of. It punishes for misdeeds, not necessarily mistakes. It does not buffer the natural consequences of their choices. It does not assume the worst regarding the possibilities for our children, it assumes what there is evidence to believe in (good or otherwise). And it encourages our daughters to make choices that lead them to become the type of women they – and not the rest of the world – think is ideal.

Now that is not to say that parents shouldn’t be fearful. Remember, I said I have a teenager; the fear is real. But perhaps our fears can inform our choices as we parent, not motivate them. Perhaps if we have honest conversations with our children about our expectations – and our experiences – they can understand our rules a little bit more. For so long, women – and especially women of color – have been raised to be hyper aware of what everyone thinks of them, to define themselves by other people’s judgements. We have grown up more clear about what others believe us to be than our own ideas about who we are. Our mothers’ mothers’ fears and traumas have been raising us for generations. Maybe it’s time to pass on a new birthright. Maybe it’s time to temper some of that fear with a little bit more love, trust, and faith in what our daughters will be. And maybe, just maybe, it will be the love that keeps them safest.